Crossing the Threshold: When Authenticity No Longer Costs Belonging

In every relationship that mattered,

we learned—somewhere deep in the body—

what parts of us were safe to bring close,

and what parts were best hidden.

We learned to sense the weather of the room

before we spoke.

To shape-shift, to please, to protect the bond

by protecting others from our fullness.

This wasn’t failure.

This was adaptation.

A brilliance of the nervous system,

trying to keep love within reach.

But at some point—

the cost becomes too high.

The mask gets heavy.

The silence aches.

The body says no,

even when the mouth still says yes.

And something in us longs for more than safety.

It longs for wholeness.

This is the threshold Gabor Maté names

when he says:

“We will choose attachment over authenticity every time—until we don’t have to.”

We don’t have to—when we begin to realise,

not just with the mind but with the body,

that being real doesn’t have to mean being alone.

When, in the slow work of healing,

we find spaces where our truth

is not too much,

not too loud,

not a threat—

but a bridge.

Sometimes this happens in therapy.

Sometimes in group.

Sometimes in a relationship that says:

"Show me. I can hold it."

And we test it.

Slowly. Cautiously. Honestly.

We say the thing.

We don’t smile when we’re sad.

We speak the rage.

We name the need.

And the world doesn’t collapse.

Or maybe it does, but something else holds.

We hold.

Together.

This threshold isn’t a single moment.

It’s a series of crossings.

Tiny deaths of the False Self,

tiny births of something truer.

To step through it is to risk

being seen and not being chosen—

but also,

to risk being seen and loved anyway.

And that…

changes everything.